I don't know.

I am thinking about assisted living, and I don’t know if I should be.

Tomorrow I will visit one of two nearby places which have special units for the memory-impaired. A week later I will visit the other.

It is not uncommon for people in my gig to swear, at some early point in the process, that they will always keep their damaged-other at home, no matter what. I never swore that. I never thought that. If I had made a pronouncement, at any time, it would have been to simply say that I would take each day as it came, and make no decision prematurely.

Right now, frankly, feels premature. I have not, however, made a decision. I haven’t even done my visits yet.

February has bowled me over like a giant rolling snowball. Two months ago I would have told you that this in-betweenish time—these doldrums of a diminished spouse who appreciates me, but cannot be left alone, would continue for years. This month, the creeping damage of plaques and tangles has staked its claim on his last hold on reality. He is in a different world. It’s a world the real and present me has been left out of.

So, I don’t say this out of hurt feelings or personal regrets...but here—this house, this life, this place, this relationship—has left him, and I’m not sure it has any role left to play in his ability to live out his days contentedly.

So, what now? If knowing me no longer remains his anchor, is it time to let go a little and try to rebuild some version of a life for myself, or not? It’s a heavy question, made no lighter by the fact that—should I find Jeff alternative care—I would be committing substantial family financial resources to something which has, as its main goal, the release of my life from indenture, maybe only a few years early.

This worries me a lot because I do not, at this point, have the vaguest clue what my life would then go on to be about. I feel like I’d have to justify its release through meaningful living, and I don’t know if I can do that.

Well, as I said...no decision, premature or otherwise, has been made. It could be a good ways off. And if there’s a facet to that decision about which I’ve become very clear, it’s this: Wherever Jeff is cared for—whether here or near here—family and friends must have relatively unfettered accessed to him, and whoever I am...I will remain in primary charge of his care and comfort.