we'll tak a cup o' kindness...

I am concocting the perfect auld lang syne hot buttered rum. It’s a guid-willie waught, or a festive draught, that is. For reasons understood only (I presume) by my mammalian brain-layer, I’m having a rather nice New Year’s Eve at 8:50 pm, in the kitchen, in the company of quadrupeds. Tonight, all of them got bits of my salmon (leftover from lunch at Garry’s Grill,) but none got buttered rum. They’re relatively certain that’s ok.

The reason this is significant is that New Year’s Eve has, since the time Jeff’s brain devolved to little more than reptilian, seen me in a funk, and I’m just as glad to have broken with an apparent tradition.

I’m not saying it means anything for 2011 (though I won’t protest if it does,) but a light spirit is a thing of beauty and you might as well take one if they’re handing them out.

Jeff dozed through Easy A on Comcast-on-Demand, (a valid response, though I didn’t mind the low-demand entertainment...it was better than Eat, Pray, Pointlessly Self-Indulge,) and has now been pilled and tucked into bed. Hazel is keeping me company in the box-top from a carton of Harry & David pears, and Otis is harassing Chessie around the kitchen. Not nice. (No guid-willie waught for Otis.)

Now there is Peruvian music by Agua Clara playing, and dancing--not sitting--is called for.

Kampai, Slan, and bottoms up! Ok 2011...let’s see what happens...

Storm's a'comin'...

I am enjoying a book by Jon Franklin, called The Wolf in the Parlor. At the 20% mark, I don’t yet have a good idea of what he’s going to conclude, but he is--at the point I’ve reached--struggling to come to grips with the nature of the ancient relationship between man and canine.

Most interesting has been a tangential trip into the tri-partite condition of the human brain. It seems, evolutionarily speaking, that the reptilian reflex-based version of a brain emerged first, followed by the more flexible and emotionally complex mammalian edition, while the primate addendum--with its ability to create cognitive models and formulate detached rational conclusions--is the Johnny-Come-Lately in brain styling. And apparently, we inherited all three types, one on top of the next.*

It is possible, following the logic of brain hierarchy, to conclude that most human angst stems from the knotty problem that all data--even if it’s the kind you’d clearly delegate to the primate brain--must first traverse the reptilian and mammal brains before it can even be considered. Hence, it (the data) is, by the time the primate brain even gets ahold of it, saddled with all the baggage of need and emotion that the reptilian and mammalian ascribe to it in passing.

I have a point. My point is going to be that this insight into the internal struggles of the human brain has shed some light, retrospectively, into some chapters of my life which, at the time, were hard to narrate in an articulate way. One such chapter in particular is the one about my foray into nursing school during the academic year ’02/’03.

I completed the first year of a two year program at Johns Hopkins with an almost 4.0 (felled by the fact that the A- I clawed my way to in Pharmacology conveyed only 3.8 points.) And I liked it a lot. When I withdrew, one day into my second year, it was a little hard to explain to my friends and advisor, not to mention family. But I tried, using terms like “writer,” and “time,” and “family.” Still it was vague. All I knew for certain was that I’d been hit by an unanticipated emotional tidal wave that no rational explanation could adequately analyze.

But I understood it in a primitive way. I knew that emotion had delivered a knock-out punch to reason. Now I can articulate that my mammalian brain knew something which my primate brain could not, and it forcibly took the reins.

You know how dogs can sense storms coming, or know--when she’s still two miles away--that a favorite person is returning? Or know that the word “walk” has flickered through my brain long before I’ve batted an eye? My inner dog sensed the storm system called Alzheimer’s, but all it could tell the primate brain was this: “You have to spend time with your husband.” My primate part understood that message, but didn’t see how dropping out of school was the logical response. So the mammal walloped the primate and did it anyway.

At the time--Fall of ’03--Jeff had the faintest hint of symptoms. But it was mostly irritability. Except for his failure to install the bathroom tile properly (a job which I took over,) there was nothing discernibly wrong with him. But the thing I’ve learned about dogs is, if they’re really going berserk--I mean surpassing any sort of baseline berserk--then you’d better pay attention, regardless of what seems logical. My mammal brain sensed the storm system and went way more than baseline berserk. It’s just that it wasn’t until a year or two later that I had an inkling of the type of storm.

This is, so far, my favorite quote from The Wolf in the Parlor, on the “triune brain”:

We weren’t individuals, we were committees--and, like all committees, we were given to inner uncertainty, dispute, and even feuding. We were the only creature in nature capable of ganging up on itself.

Which is exactly what it felt like at the time--my brain ganged up on itself. Nowadays, when I get particularly crazy or out of sorts I try to say something akin to “What is it Lassie? What is it girl?” Unfortunately, my mammalian brain’s language skills are still not much better than Freddi the dog’s. So, as the I Ching is always telling me, with the most admirable of patience, I just have to chill and trust the Sage. And possibly batten down the hatches.

*On the notion that the "triune brain" model is outdated or simplistic: well, probably so. But I still love this quote from Wikipedia:

In this sense, the triune brain (more properly, perhaps, the "triune mind") is seen as a highly simplified but powerful organizing theme. The statistician George E.P. Box once quipped: "Essentially, all models are wrong, but some are useful."

Be 92. Or 3½. Or at least just act like it.

I will admit: I am not really all that old. I realize, it depends mostly on from which direction on a chronological timeline you’re looking, but my point is that I don’t usually have a self-image of oldness.

Nevertheless, there seem to be some fairly universal lateral changes in the quality of interface with the world that become apparent to most adults as they rack up a handful of decades, give or take.

Our good friend Bill stops by once a month or so to take Jeff out to lunch. Lately, he looks out the back kitchen windows at the five birdfeeders I’ve got stocked with seed, and says something akin to: “I can’t believe how much I’m into birds now. And plants. I find this very disturbing.” Bill recalls being aware, in decades past, of how this partiality to birds connoted aged person and how he, at the time, forswore such a future, but now reckons it was inevitable.

This was fresh in my mind last week when I sat down to knit the finishing rows into a hat. (Hats are what I’ve been working on lately. I invariably start off having committed some kind of planning error, such that the finished product would be unviable, could it even progress that far. I either misgauge the size, or don’t factor the right multiple of stitches for the pattern I intend to use, or--in a spectacular mistake that I didn’t notice until 2 inches in--I let the row spiral around the circular needles, creating an unstraightenable helix instead of the leading edge of a stocking cap. Just now I spontaneously switched to a rib pattern based on 5’s, forgetting that I’d cast on 72. Not a match.) But, back to the aforementioned hat which I did, in fact, complete. I sat down to complete it in a rocking chair. And I chuckled at myself, because it felt so good. Almost sensual, in fact, to be relaxed, sitting in a rocker, and knitting.

Without a doubt, I have the foibles of aging more in the forefront of my everyday thoughts than the average not-quite-50 year old. All I need to do is look at the adaptations I am continually making in dressing Jeff. Today he has on his new pull-on Sperrys, a t-shirt, and a half-zip pullover. The pullover is new. I grabbed a couple at Kohl’s thinking this might be a good step away from button-down shirts which can be buttoned in any number of interesting and askew configurations if lining things up properly is not in one’s skill set. The problem with the pullover is that it hangs a little long. This means that Jeff keeps noticing the bottom edge and being inspired to curtsy. So far, he has demonstrated curtsies to Olivia about 5 times and Becca maybe twice. This, therefore, may not turn out to be the perfect solution to dressing ease, but I’m always on the lookout for new ideas.

Some cats can dance.

Yesterday, Jeff had a conversation with Chessie the cat. Chessie is a good cat--stout of stature, good of heart (mostly,) and only inclined to whine when you disrupt her poundage from atop your chest. So, as cats go, you might as well talk to her as to any. But, when asked by Jeff whether she knows how to tap dance, Chessie did not respond in any meaningful way. Becca, meanwhile, seated at the kitchen counter (unlike Chessie, who was seated in the chair at which Jeff was addressing his question,) did respond. “Are you talking to me?” asked Becca. “If you’re talking to me, I’m over here.” Jeff indicated that yes, he was talking to her, but he still said all this to Chessie, who did not assist in correcting him. As far as she was concerned, I’m sure, his behavior was completely appropriate.

Conversations with cats pose no problem. I wonder, though, about the ifs and whens of implementing other measures to which I’ve given pre-need consideration. When will I employ sitters? Should I investigate day care? I’m already concerned about leaving for more than the shortest of outings. Not that Jeff does much. I think the most pressing trouble he might get into would be locking himself out of the house while on a front yard stick-breaking expedition. Troublesome thought, when it’s below freezing. Should I move him downstairs? Yet? Don’t know that it would suit him. Don’t know how he’ll respond. But I do know that, if not before, the first time his visuo-spatial system fails to navigate the staircase, to hazardous effect, will be the impetus.

It is common wisdom, among the AD caregiver community, that most caregivers initiate any kind of change--day care, in-home help, placement, hospice--later than they should have. I completely understand why.

möbius-ity

42 might as well be the meaning of life. It’s as good as anything anyone else has come up with, as far as I’ve noticed.

Today, after the usual pets and breakfast routine, I met a friend for tea and “breakfast cookies” at The Big Bean. We had a wonderful (but too short as usual) chat, then I bundled up against the wind chill and quick-stepped the 1/2 mile home. By then, Jeff had managed a shower without a shower-director. I noted the extra undies scattered around the bed, a rejected t-shirt, his washed-with-conditioner (instead of shampoo) hair, and the same old dirty jeans. Good enough.

We headed back out into the chill to tick the next item off my list--replacing the ceramic birdbath, whose basin had cracked from freezing water. Just before my immersible de-icer arrived a little too late.

The new birdbath top--positioned with hodge-podge imperfection atop the existing pedestal--is (with de-icer at work,) doing its job.

Furthermore, Otis the kitten will (I hope) soon pass the colon-load of paper, or whatever inedible he consumed, that prompted 2 trips to the vet and an x-ray in the past 3 days. The water heater, meanwhile, is back in operating condition after a day’s work by Yank the plumber yesterday, and our upstairs is once again, therefore, heated.

The thing that likes to drive me crazy on a regular and ongoing basis is this question: Is any of this of consequence? I think if I could send a letter back to 1973...have a little word with myself...deliver some advice, the letter would contain the following: First, I would list the areas in which the grown up me has a modicum of both skill and interest. This part is important, because that 11 year old had no clue what she liked and even less motivation. So I would tell her that she’d be a decent writer and had skill at language acquisition and usage. She should relax and not let math frustrate her so much...approach it with less fear and loathing and she’d be capable. She should stick, arduously, to her study of viola, and add in fiddle while she’s at it. Finally, she should steer herself in the direction of a helping profession--most likely in the area of scientific research. I’m going to have to anticipate that--being a tolerably bright child--she’ll ask what she’s doing heading into research if she’s good at languages and writing. So I will answer that question for her: She will not find a way to be useful to the world as a writer or linguist, so--while she should hone these skills as personally edifying--she will need to be a provider of value to the human race in order not to fret later, as an almost-50 year old, about adequacy of being the caretaker of an impaired spouse and the saver-of-kitties, who writes works that the world does not require.

But back to 42. Apparently I do what I do, because it is what the world requires of me. Or at least a sufficient part of it is. What I really think is that--if I sent that letter to the 11 year old, and even if she took it to heart (the lazy little underachiever,)--I would merely trip the existential feedback loop of Möbius, and end up exactly where I am. So, I don’t know exactly what 42 means, but I think it’s that.

but she got published, at least!

Ok, I watched it. I watched Eat, Pray, Love.

I didn’t even wait for it to be released on Netfix--I actually told Comcast-on-Demand “Yes. Yes, you may charge me $4.99 for this movie. Go ahead. Do it.” I wanted to pick a fight, and I wanted to pick it with that movie. I’m not sure what I expected, but I obviously (not having even read the book,) needed to view the film before I could launch a cathartic quibble.

Later, I read some of the reviews of the book on Amazon. I wanted to see what people thought of the source material. There were, basically, two strains of comment: There were the 4 and 5 stars reviewers who admired Elizabeth Gilbert’s turn of phrase, and lyrical manner of describing nebulous philosophical concepts. (I can’t argue with such reviews. One need not admire a main character to rate writing highly.) Then there were the 1 star reviews, in which readers largely took exception to the narrative. It was the author’s behavior and autobiography earning their thumbs down, and--way with words or not--they were annoyed at having bothered with it.

I mention this about the book reviews for the following reason: What you get in the film is the narrative, without the benefit of the author’s stylistic ramblings. Hence, it’s hard not to render judgment simply on the basis of that: the narrative.

And here’s what I got from the narrative. EPL appears to be nothing more than a segment out of the life of a woman who--for no reason apart from existential angst, apparently--tanked a marriage to a fine, caring man, jilted a decent lover, and proceeded to spend a year (at her publisher’s expense, I believe,) navel-gazing and eating a lot in attractive and exotic locales. In the end she takes up with a third seemingly decent fellow, and publishes a book which--by dint of Oprah--is a financial success.

It is possible that, in the book, Liz Gilbert describes some sort of philosophical resolution. It is, in fact, likely that she does so. This was not conveyed by the film, and I’ll wager that that’s fair. Itchy people do not become un-itchy people by running away from themselves. (And here I speak from very personal experience.) Maybe Gilbert did rhapsodize eloquent in some form of denouement. But I wouldn’t believe in any real change. Surely she could spin a pretty philosophical picture with equal skill before she launched her odyssey.

Still, people must carry out their lives, and I have no personal reason to object to hers. But I do have personal knowledge and experience: That skittering about does not change, in any fundamental way, your manner of interface with existence. So, regardless of the book’s conclusion, I will draw my own on this review: I watched the film to null effect. Something ventured, nothing gained. But the landscapes were pretty.

A shoe holds more ounces than a jigger.

The Nordstrom shoe salesman betrayed the usual amount of quizzical uncertainty as Jeff and I approached to look over the deck shoes in the men’s section. I may not be the most socially adept human east of the Mississippi, but I can read body language. Hmmm...why is this woman taking charge? If the shoes are for the dude, what’s with this dynamic?

But he too, evidently, had the capacity to catch on, and as I briefly explained that we were leaning toward laceless models, and he attempted a couple different prompts before Jeff put the proper foot on the size gauge, he understood.

Jeff’s Clark’s “UnStructureds” is a fine pair of shoes, and they served us well on our southwest sojourn, for train-riding and light hiking. But that’s why I brought that pair...for their sturdiness. Once home, he’s reverted to wearing the world’s oldest Sebago docksiders, with layers of leather peeling off, and laces that look like sun-dried and run-over jerky. The laces don’t much matter, is the thing. The shoes are old, relaxed, and go on and off without any need to tie or untie.

We ended up with a pair of pricey Sperrys. They’re somewhere between a classic deck shoe and a loafer, are soft of leather, and stout of sole, and should work for everything once I stash the diversionary beat-up or laces-required pairs in the closet, under Jeff’s lower rack of shirts.

For now I will help with the belt. For now I will help get the shirt buttons on even kilter. And occasionally run the razor over his neck, which is a hair-sprouting zone he usually seems to forget about.

It was not a bad day to be at the mall. Christmas shopping is, of course, in full spate, and the California Pizza Kitchen filled up with lunchtime diners, shortly after we started on salad and pasta. Still, it was Monday, early, and not bad...especially when you are free to look around and think Ah...Christmassy-ness, without having any pressing agenda of your own. At such a pace, I could happily snag a couple of stocking stuffers at Crate & Barrel, in addition to a jigger--something which I have heretofore lacked. A jigger is the amount of rum you add to a hot buttered one (rum, that is.) Though I had ascertained that a jigger is approximately 3 tablespoons, depending on the relative generosity of your bartender, it will enhance the experience to make it using the proper measuring vessel. As it will enhance our shoe-wearing experience to not have to re-tie laces every 15 minutes.

Eye be home for Christmas.

As I mentioned in the last post, my right eye had a run-in with a vine and took one for the team on Thursday, in the process of helping me get Otis out of the tree. As of today, Sunday, except for some watering, light sensitivity, and a minor burning sensation, I’m functioning as normal. Mostly.

I cannot recommend corneal scratches. Like many body parts that you don’t give that much thought to as you go about your daily business (feet, knees, fingertips, teeth...,) do one an injury and you find that its incapacity renders you near-useless for days. But, after an intermittent pirate eye-patch, indoor sunglasses, antibiotic drops leftover from someone’s pinkeye, and lots of doing not much, it is with great gratitude that I welcome my right eye back to the world of useable body parts.

This weekend--the first in December--seems to be the one for getting the Christmas game on. As of last night, numerous houses in town had sprouted an assortment of carefully or carelessly (mostly somewhere in between,) lights. Hence, I did mine today, taking care that the job did not involve any peripheral objects ready to take potshots at my face. I don’t do much--just some strings of white lights more or less following the contour of the front porch and its railing. Additionally, we bought a tree and stuck it in a washtub of water on the back patio. Voila...I am maxed out! Until such time as I bring the tree in the house.

Susan Reimer, a columnist for the Baltimore Sun, opined this week that she would never--no matter how weak her motivation--slack off on the holiday fussiness, due to the fact that she perceived such a slow-down in her mother to have represented a slow fade of vitality. And maybe it is. But I don’t plan to worry about it when the time comes. I’ll fade if I good and want to. Meanwhile, it is most fortunate that I set the holiday bother bar very very very low for myself from the get-go, and have never upped the ante.

It is with equal measures of wistfulness and wry chuckling that I think about certain images that so tantalized me as a kid and hopeful romantic. Holiday special magazines, in which the snug log house in the distant snow-frosted vale, glowed golden-warm at dusk. Inside, a festive garland hugged the banister, while mom (that would have been the future me,) greeted dad (that was the unsubstantiated future mate with a twinkling eye or two) in a kitchen with a couple not-too-aggravating children and a pleasant pet or so. The funny thing is...as I stand in my kitchen looking across the eating table toward the stairs descending, mid-house...it looks almost just the way it was supposed to look. Except there’s no garland. That would be just too many pine needles to sweep up later. The pets are there though, and sometimes so are the children--they’re just a little overgrown. As for the dad...sometimes his eyes do twinkle. It’s a rather unfocused, uncomprehending twinkle, but then, we’re not in a snow-frosted vale either.

I think I'll take the finger in the eye.

My worst residual problem is eye pain. But with a salt water rinse, and some leftover pink-eye drops, I hope I’ll be fully binocular by morning.

See, here’s the thing about the anatomy of the 12’ no-man’s-land (aka county right-of-way) behind our back fence: It is full of huge bamboo (flute-makers may apply,) a couple decades’ worth of fallen limbs, and vines to make Tarzan proud. I could have picked a more agreeable site to spend 6 hours of the day getting a kitten out of a tree.

But Otis didn’t ask my advice before scampering 4 feet up an old silver maple, then thinking hey cool, and going higher. Twice, actually, before getting to the first crook and realizing he was completely out of his league. So he pretty much spent the next 6 hours crying piteously, while I attempted to get him down.

Becca was home for the first couple hours of effort and, after much coaxing failed, we implemented plans A and B. A was my Little Giant ladder. The only extension ladder I can manipulate without dropping it on my head with unfortunate consequences, or breaking a window. Sadly, it did not extend enough, and put us (standing on the highest safe rung) just over half-way there. So on to Plan B. After much detangling of line from itself and the aforementioned flora features of the back lot, we succeeded in heaving a bear bag (used for suspending your food, safely away from bears, on camping trips) over a branch near Otis. Then, we pulleyed up an open-topped picnic basket, enticingly loaded with a cup of tuna. He did not care to get in that basket. Barely even gave it a passing thought. Then Becca had to go to work. I had to take a break. Still, I didn’t want to remove the option, so I tied an orange juice jug, partially filled with water so that it would just be outweighed by Otis, to the other end of the line, and went to do some necessary errands.

When Jeff and I got back, Otis hadn’t budged. I brought 100 feet of poly rope back with me though, and I doubled and knotted it in such a way that a daring and agile person might use it to climb enough higher than the ladder permitted to snag a cat. Once at the top of the ladder though, I found myself less daring than required, and returned to the drawing board.

So did my Mom, who--learning of my plight, and knowing me to be, essentially, an army of one--came to help. We tied a sheet to the tree, and she held the other corners while I ascended the ladder and attempted to push Otis from the other side with an extension broom. Alas, due to the angle of the tree, and the thickness of the underbrush, there was no means to connect sufficiently brush-to-cat, and Mom had nothing to catch in her makeshift fireman’s net.

Mom left because she had to. I wondered, via text, when Rachel the tree-climbing wonder-daughter might be able to perform a rescue. But, being a real-life employed teacher of children, there was no way for her to get here by dark, and I was left to ponder. And fret. In installing the rope-which-I-couldn’t-climb, I’d removed the escape basket. That seemed wrong. I couldn't give up for the night with no such option in play so, taking a tip from the internet (go net!) I re-threw the bear-bag. (This took about 20 tosses, and as many detanglings.) I got it. This time I hoisted a laundry basket--the floppy kind with two handles. With the tuna, of course.

The nice thing about the floppy laundry basket was that it showed a greater willingness to snug up close to the branch, in a way that the stiff picnic basket had not. Before I’d even gotten my orange juice jug counter-weight tied to the other end of the line, I saw--in addition to the shadow of the tuna container in the bottom of the basket--four paw shadows. I did not waste time. I lowered the basket-kitty contraption and snagged a kitty who was never so glad to be apprehended.

Oh, my eye. It was on one of the about 60 or so trips up the Little Giant that one of those ubiquitous vine or stick things poked me in the right eye. It still hurts, quite a bit. Otis is sacked out on the dog bed, having been properly cuddled and fed. I do not wish for him to go outside ever again. I’m afraid he will.

Jeff used to propose that cat brains looked as follows: One neuron, dangling by a thread in the middle of the skull. I surely hope Otis’ neuron absorbed some aversion therapy about trees today.

on not forgetting to remember everything

Today Becca and I almost lost our newly purchased socks and tights at The Fresh Market grocery store. A composite of what each of us was 97% certain we remembered suggested that the small shopping bag from South Moon Under (an overpriced, except for socks, boutique,) disappeared somewhere between our entering Fresh Market with a double-decker two-basket shopping cart, and getting to the check-out. We found it a bit surprising that someone sneakily lifted our bag while we were selecting apples, or considering yogurt, but it was the only plausible explanation.

Still, once we got home and realized we were without hosiery, I called the store to see if such a bag had mysteriously turned up. Not yet, I was told, but they took my name and number. Within an hour the call came. Our bag had turned up in a random abandoned cart in the store. This meant that during the two and a half minutes that Becca and I were both in the ladies room at the same time, Jeff had managed to switch the cart he had been entrusted to stand with for another empty cart--identical except for the presence of our socks bag in one, and its absence of the other.

The most intriguing thing about this for me is not that it happens, but how things like this seem more likely to happen than not, given half a chance. Not that we like to blame Jeff too much--neither of us, after all, thought about the socks bag until we got home--but it is illustrative of the concept that I’m more apt to slack off in my diligence when I have a fellow Jeff-watcher along on the outing. I stop trying to remember everything I might ostensibly have the slightest cause to remember.

It was just as well anyway. Becca wanted everything bagels, which we’d forgotten on trip #1, and I also grabbed a couple canisters of wipes, which are useful for cleaning the floor up after Otis the kitty, who--when he poos--aims about 18” north of his litter box. Bad kitty.

strides, and life as normal.

Last night, I went to bed leaving Gabe with nothing but the advice to get his stuff organized for this morning’s Amtrak ride back to Connecticut. Remarkably, as I discovered this morning, he’d done exactly that. IPod, phone, and computer were all charged and stowed, clothes were re-stuffed in the duffel, and his college keycard/i.d. was clipped to his jacket. Oh, and his retainer was fizzed clean and back in his mouth. As we got in the car he asked me if I had his train ticket. (I did.)

Now he is northbound, by rail, and one Fall term more grown-up. Next Year has clearly been a timely topic at school, as many of his group plan to continue as full-fledged Mitchell College students next year, and, indeed, we got a related pack of info by mail a couple weeks ago to keep parents in the loop, as kids get their records in order. But I had barely broached the topic upon his arrival home when he replied, with unequivocal resolve, that he would stick with Plan A: Finish this year at Mitchell, then head off to Guilford in North Carolina to study creative writing, Japanese, and an eventual semester abroad in Japan. No waffling on this it seems.

Meanwhile, this morning I ventured out the back door without a jacket. Otis the kitty had zipped out for his morning scamper and seemed--in this late November dip below freezing--to be ready to come back in. He squinched through the fence and around to the front yard, where I apprehended him at a moment during which his urge to scoot and play was offset by ambivalence about the air temperature. But then we--Otis and I--found ourselves at the front door, which I had not yet unlocked from the inside. Drat. Carry the cat around back, or ring the doorbell for Jeff? Luckily, Freddi the dog would not allow Jeff to ignore the doorbell, but he positively could not process what to do once he arrived at the front door. I stood there, clutching the kitten for a moment, as Jeff stared through the door panes gazing at apparently nothing, which was located somewhere beyond my right shoulder. Freddi, in the meantime, wagged her tail at me, wondering why the heck I was not coming in. So I raised my voice to insulated glass-penetrating volume and hollared “Open the door!” Twice or so. Finally, recognition dawned and Jeff did exactly that.

Tomorrow, Rachel’s back to teaching, Gabe and Olivia back to school, and Becca into work as usual. Jeff will get something other than a peanut-butter sandwich for lunch.

Capes R Not Us.

I got a mini-startle as I drew back the shower curtain this morning thinking to step in. The scene resembled what you’d see on-set, just after Norman Bates had carted off Janet Leigh, shower curtain and all, with the following critical cast change: Janet’s role was being played by an alien with pale aqua blood.

Well, I was taking a shower anyway, so it wasn’t hard to clean up. But I will note that a full 33.9 fluid ounces of Target brand dandruff shampoo does make the shower floor a mite slippery. And it had spread quite nicely, dripping as it had from the higher of the two metal accoutrement baskets we have appended to the shower stall wall. Because it had been placed there improperly closed and upside down.

So one of the things we did today was buy Jeff some more shampoo. My goal was prevention. What kind of bottle would one either be most apt to close properly and/or least likely to replace upside down? Not a boxy cap of the type so common and popular for reasons I don’t quite grasp. But since I’ve been giving Jeff anti-flaky shampoo, that limited our options right off the bat, and a small bottle of Selsun Blue, with a normal sort of round cap, seemed the best bet. I even performed a small assessment right on the spot: “How,” (I said,) “would you place this bottle on the shelf? Like this? (upside down) or like this? (right-side up.)” “Like that, I guess,” replied Jeff, choosing correctly. And, in fact, it would take a bit of a balancing act to place it the other way.

It’s the kind of little accommodation I make daily. Another of today’s errands was a foray into Eastern Mountain Sports, in search of a light (but not too light) mens’ jacket. Here was my starting parameter: Can this be fastened without me there to do the zipper? There are ways. There might, for example, be auxiliary snaps, or, even better, velcro. But not, alas, in a jacket of the right weight. Yes for heavy coats, but jackets were stubbornly determined to exist only in zip format. So, on the fly, I came up with a new option: How about a half-zip? If the zipper-starter doesn’t need fiddling with, pulling the pull should be no problem. Such things, double alas, did not exist but in the lightest of fleeces. Something in-between was not to be had; not today anyway.

I’ll keep looking even though it is, in truth, something of an arbitrary goal. The thing is--even with velcro, snaps, or a half-zip--you’ve still got to put the jacket on properly in the first place.

Case in point--an anecdote from this very morning: Jeff headed for the stairs, post-elliptical trainer. “What are you after?” I asked. (Even though I knew the answer since he was wearing a t-shirt and had taken his button shirt off to exercise.) “A shirt,” he replied. “You left your shirt in the kitchen,” I said. “No,” said Jeff. “Not that shirt. That shirt is like a cape. It’s like a Superman cape. I can’t wear that shirt, I need a regular shirt.” Because I live here I knew what this meant. Because I’ve watched Jeff try to put on shirts. He must have tried to put it on (pick one) upside down, or armless, or head in the armhole, or without unbuttoning first. So I said, “let’s see,” and helped him thread his arms in one at a time. Then I started the buttons. He pulled the two sides of the lower placket apart a couple times as I buttoned downward, trying to demonstrate that this was a cape, not a shirt, but finally realized--with a sort of an I’ll be darned expression--that it was, in fact and when donned correctly, a shirt.

There are lots of things that continually surprise me about this brain dysfunction process. One is this: Why is there no sort of meta-analysis going on of the problems we encounter? Why would you not even think your wife asking whether it’s okay to put a shampoo bottle on a shelf upside down is weird? Or not think: wait...a shirt is never a cape. How does it make sense for me to think this is a cape?

But he doesn’t think this stuff. I guess it would be too multi-layered for an Alzheimer brain to take anything except at face value.

Now I’ll check REI online for a heavy-ish half-zip. I will not bother looking in the cape section, because I know we don’t want that.

say what?

Jeff loves to listen to a Bill Bryson book. Any Bill Bryson book. But The Mother Tongue: English and how it got that way has probably (by page 90 out of 245) been our biggest challenge to date.

We are firmly into Chapter 6: "Pronunciation." I am already reading with the exaggerated enunciation of a Henry Higgins protégé, but that isn't quite doing it. I try, for example, to read the following passage:

"...when bits are nicked off the front end of words it's called aphesis, when off the back it's called apocope, and when from the middle it's syncope."

The reading of it doesn't go off quite as smoothly as vanilla ice cream. Rather, I carefully iterate a key term--apocope--and the following conversation ensues:

Jeff: "what?"

Me: "apocope."

Jeff: "escarfee?"

Me: "No, ay-pah-co-pee."

Jeff: "Oh, calumny."

Me: "NO...AY-PAH-CO-PEEE!"

Jeff: "Right, ok...papeerollee..."

Me: "shuddup."

Mind you...my last line in the above dialog was completely uncalled for, and I apologized right away. But this illustrates the basic challenge of this book as read-aloud material for us. It is, compared to some of Bryson's lighter narratives, quite academic and quite full of segments which call for a keen ability to differentiate amongst subtle distinctions in pronunciation, as well as an ability grasp certain points by picturing spellings in your head as I read. Hence, as we're dealing with the twin deficits of so-so hearing and seriously compromised processing capacity, I keep wondering if we should persist, or switch to something a little easier where getting the gist is generally enough.

But Jeff continues to want to listen, and does not seem to frustrate. That's all me. Plus, I'd like to read it, and this smallish trade-paperback with undersized print is neither going to stay open nor be legible on the elliptical console, so read-aloud is my best shot.

Besides, Chapter 7 is not called "Pronunciation," it is called "Varieties of English." Chapter 8 is called "Spelling." Maybe we can skip it. And maybe it doesn't help that we tend to combine reading time with 5 o'clock glass o'wine time.

But for now we will persist. Besides, when we come to unfathomable words in Welsh or Gaelic I have the enormous privilege of pronouncing them however I like, and Jeff just laughs.

the in-betweenies

I'm in the caregiver in-betweenies. It's a term I pulled out of the air, but I think it does an adequate job of connoting both the wiggly restlessness and the inescapable vague limbo-like doldrums of the stage. Except for the afternoon biorhythmic slumps when nothing trumps a nap, I have health, curiosity, and energy to share, and I need to remind myself that wheel-spinning is neither good for the wheels nor the ground.

At the same time, I can think of almost anyone else I know, and imagine him/her saying "I'll take some of that," when she gets a whiff of the relative placidity of days in which making the coffee, freshly ground beans and all, can be an anticipated ritual, where grocery shopping can be gently interlaced with a salad at Punk's Backyard Grill, and where--in the early evening--I pour out two ruby glasses of La Vieille Ferme Farmhouse red before we sit down, covered in pets, to read a chapter of Bill Bryson aloud.

Yes, I am fortunate to have a generally pleasant-natured caregivee who, at the moment, is taking his afternoon nap. Afterwards, he will come down and sit quietly in the kitchen chair to await the next activity I suggest. (Most likely, we will be at roughly the point of Bryson by then.)

I read something in AARP yesterday about how caregivers should consider doing the hands-on stuff (bathing, dressing, etc) themselves, reserving the do-nothing interludes (naps, quiet sitting, breaking sticks in the front yard,) for hired attendants. This is because doing something...doing anything...tends to be a much more personally rewarding way to pass time than just being there, as the person in charge in case anything goes amiss.

I can, of course, take the "being there" segments of the day and use them to (for remarkable example) write! I have made minor progress this week, compared to the inverse of minor progress (which looks something like 1/minor progress, and must be measured with an electron microscope) which had been the grand total for the previous month or so.

Furthermore, no matter how I squint, I can't really see hiring anyone as a rational choice for now. We're doing just fine, and no one is overly stressed. It is when the caregiver becomes overly stressed that it is time to pry open the doors of the hired help magazine. I assume (because I remain more or less grounded in reality) that incontinence and greater functional blindness are in our future, and it is that horizon whereupon I imagine the hiring will occur.

In the meantime...no matter how much you sometimes don't like the day to day bother of going to your job, I do think there's a bit of a self-winding aspect to the action of kicking yourself out the door and interacting with the other humans. I sort of have to wind myself--not by obligatory activity--but by jumping up and down, and giving in a bit to the wiggly restlessness of the in-betweenies. Then I tell myself this is good...this is a moment to write the silly book...and I tap out a line and a half.

And that is what life is like. You tell yourself...eh, I'm doing ok with this, aren't I? And most likely, you are.

grounded but ready...

I didn't want to buy the wrong suitcase. Which is how it came to pass that I spent a creditable chunk of both today and yesterday researching specs and reviews of a variety of roll-aboards.

I've had my navy blue L.L.Bean model at least since 2000, when the entire family set out for 10 days in England pulling (with the exception of Jeff--always an inveterate duffel lugger,) 5 navy blue international regulation carry-on sized cases, and nothing more, on the pack-less-than-you-need theory. I recall waffling, to the last minute, over whether to stuff in a zip-front wool blend sweater, and being mighty glad that I did since I wore it about every July day we were in the UK.

That case has accompanied me on quite a few jaunts since then, so it was with some dismay that I noted--as I stowed the luggage in our Amtrak Capitol Limited bedroom--that sizeable chunks of a wheel from my suitcase were turning up all over the industrial berber low-loop carpeting of the compartment. It was the outer shell, it turned out, of a wheel made in two layers, and I spent the remainder of the trip pulling it on the remaining inner portion of the wheel. Not difficult, but a wee lopsided.

I am somewhat committed, it seems, to flying with just carry-ons whenever I can. I realize that the rest of the world is also, which makes for some overhead compartment competition at the worst of times, but I knew one thing--that I required a replacement case that would easily pass the ubiquitous airport "is your carry-on small enough?" test.

I checked Amazon, I checked Travelsmith, I checked Magellan's. Today we even popped by the AAA office to see what was on hand, and inspected a few things at The Leather Store. (Which should actually be called The Luggage Store since it's way more about luggage than it is about leather.) I ended up placing two orders--one with Magellan's, one with Amazon--and should, by next week or so, end up with an Eagle Creek Hovercraft 20 roll-aboard, which--though a little short at 20"--compensates by being 16" wide. Additionally, I will make a PacSafe backpack serve as my "personal item," since it's small enough to squish under the seat, but large enough to hold a netbook, reading material, and whatever other sundries I need to transfer into a smaller Eagle Creek Travel Bug backpack once I reach a destination.

The thing that I don't have, is any travel plans whatsoever. I don't see this problem being correctible before Spring, and not in any big way, at that. When the new stuff comes, I may just have to fill it up with laundry and a cat and tote it around the house in the spirit of (but lack of, in any reality-based way) adventure

maybe it's silvery, not gilded.

Two weeks ago, in the moments during which I was concluding that the top bunk of the bedroom compartment on the Amtrak Southwest Chief made for an ungainly platform from which to help Jeff with his middle of the night bathroom needs, I became aware that I'd shifted. I don't mean that I did the shifting in that moment--in fact, in the top bunk, I could barely shift at all. The headroom allowed for crunches, but not sit-ups, and one had to perform a motion much like that of a pole vaulter twisting her body so that she'll land feet first to even consider climbing down from the bed.

No, the shift I noticed was something that had already happened, but I'd yet to take heed of and shake hands with it. It was a particular milestone I'd reached in the gradual translocation of emotional tectonic plates that comes with Alzheimer's spousing. I looked down from that fold-up bunk and thought two thoughts: The first was that it would be easier and more comfortable if we both just squished into the lower bunk. The second was that I was happy to do so because it was easier to do my job from close-up. The job of caregiving. The job of helping find the bathroom and providing middle of the night reassurances to a disoriented mind.

It may seem a little strange to say that I've finally shifted, after 6+ years of diminishing cognitive function on Jeff's part, into the role of caregiver. I've been doing it for some time, 'tis true. But I didn't own the job. I didn't particularly want the job. And approaching the caregivee with the emotional closeness that enabled me to contentedly switch bunks was the new thing.

When a life partner slips from your grasp such that he is sometimes not, then rarely, then never your mind-mate again, you might, like I have, start to seal off the emotional receptor places that were shaped to receive feedback from him. Those spots are safely coated with several thick layers of New-Skin®, liquid bandage for the soul, and--like that gilded room in Captain Von Trapp's fancy chateau--nobody goes there, dammit. There are some rooms in this house we just don't use.

So, when I felt the impulse that propelled me (carefully and stepwise) from the upper bunk to the lower (other than the practical one,) I recognized it as a new row of emotional crops. Ones that have been growing, and emitting tiny whiffs of their usefulness since they sprouted, but not so much that I really understood how they worked or what you could do with them until that moment. This crop is not from the gilded room (nobody goes there, still,) but they come from another room, almost as nice and certainly better outfitted for the task at hand.

I didn't know I had that room, and now it seems I do. And it also seems that it was on our trip westward that the construction crew ripped down the final piece of plastic dropcloth, allowing me ready access. I still don't particularly want the job, any more than I want presbyopia, or pets with skin allergies, or bamboo poking through the fence in the backyard. But it's my job, and I appreciate the tools.

No rolling. Lots of shaking and rattling.

The two porcelain pedestal sinks in our master bathroom have rattled since installation. I can't remember whether Jeff or Yank the plumber hooked them up, but it was after I tiled the floor and walls (in the epoch where, of necessity, I acquired many new skills.)

A pedestal sink consists of two parts: the pedestal and, obviously, the sink. While the pedestal provides a supportive stand, the two pieces are not attached to each other by any means but gravity. For true stability, the sink is meant to be fastened to the wall it abuts. Ours never were.

If you bumped into them (a normal occurrence for us) they rattled. If you scrubbed them (a normal but less frequent occurrence) they rattled. They rattled with a deep but clanging hollow chime--or sometimes rumble--of porcelain on porcelain. And they banged into the tile wall, which was more of a boomity boomity thing. It was an unsatisfactory and somewhat disconcerting condition for sinks.

When I learned (via our handyman who never showed up again) about their improper installation, I began to puzzle over what I might do. The bathroom framing had been done when Jeff was on the verge of losing his powers. Had he, correctly, provided a plank behind the now-tiled wall? He didn't remember, of course. He'd been faltering enough by the time I finally tiled, that it never occurred to him to mention the need for bolts.

Yesterday, I detached the J-bend from the wall, shut off the supply valves, and unhooked the supply pipes which run from the floor to the sink. Then, after carefully walking the sink/pedestal assembly away from the wall, I drilled through the tile. The initial hole was the hardest, requiring the pin-prickiest of drill-bits, followed by sequentially larger bits until I'd achieved two nice half-inch holes. Then, I plowed in further to see what I would hit. Drywall, then air, then...wood? Yes, wood.

I walked-rocked the sink back into place and, with a socket wrench, ratcheted a nice fat hex-headed bolt and washer through each hole (the holes that were always there) in the back of the sinks.

The solidity of the now rattle-free sinks is a satisfying thing, indeed. Next up--replacing my cruddy stiff faucet handles.

Gravity. It's real.

I am a little amazed by the number of people who visit the Grand Canyon and completely ignore the availability of railings such as this one. On the other hand, I recall Jeff himself setting out for rocky outcrops on hikes of yore, and sneaking careful peeks over a few precipices myself...but the GC is special. In the sense that there aren't too many other cliffsides where you have the opportunity to achieve terminal velocity before you reach the bottom. But here it's the norm.

After getting "home" to Flagstaff yesterday, I did a little online research into Canyon fatalities. Sources differ a bit, but it seems that no more than a person or so tumbles off each year, whether accidentally or on purpose. A more typical cause of death in the park is deciding you can hike to the bottom on your liter of Deer Creek bottled water. In point of fact, you probably can. What you can't do is get back up, and--without having carefully provisioned yourself with fuel, water, and proper clothing, you stand a decent chance of meeting your end due to heat stroke or other unfortunate system failure. Consequently, posters highlighting the dangers of hiking unprepared, the surprising rigor of the area, and demises of otherwise healthy individuals are prominent and ubiquitous.

Nevertheless, I'm surprised more silly people don't fall in. At our very first overlook yesterday we saw plenty of humans casually strolling the edge, including one who appeared to be about 6 years old (while his mother stood calmly on a rock nearby. I don't know...maybe they had other children and didn't need that one.)

Now I remember a time when Jeff and I hiked with friends in the woods of Pennsylvania. We came upon an overlook which had been carefully and responsibly railed, so as to give hikers a good safe look. A couple had climbed over, for no apparent reason. You could see just as well from inside the railing. The man held out his hand thinking surely I would want to join them on the other side. Here's the thing: I had a nine month old baby in a backpack on my back, and this couple thought I'd want to climb--already unwieldy and top-heavy--over the safety of the railing. I said no thank you.

I guess most humans are as agile and dextrous as they think they are. I just like to err on the side of caution.

a two-town tour.

Thoughts about Sedona: Geologically speaking, it is eye-poppingly stunning. I cannot think of another time I've said "yow!" or similar at every bend in the highway. I laughed when we passed a sign that said "Keep Sedona Beautiful." It meant don't litter. But I asked "how could you NOT keep Sedona beautiful?" and Jeff said "Nuclear explosion?"

Still, I did not come away with any good ideas about why you would go to Sedona other than for rock-gawking. It seems less a town than a series of clustered tourist shops, artfully placed at bends in the road, such that if "Mystical Astrologer" doesn't suck you in, then surely "The Pink Java Cafe" and its friends will. I am not every tourist-dependent municipality's dream come true. When I see another sign touting "Real Southwest Crafts and Jewelry!" I don't say "wheee!" and veer into the parking lot. Instead, I say, "Dang, there's gotta be a place to buy apples around here somewhere."

Then we went to Jerome. Jerome is about 25 miles west of Sedona, up some rather impressive switchbacks, and was, historically, a copper mining town. It is, as far as I can tell, populated by 90% tourists, 2% artsy shopkeepers, 4% long-gray-haired vintners, and 4% guys who looked like they got back from Nam in '71 and began to assemble flotsam and quirky jetsam into precarious shacks on 45 degree sloped, rocky hillsides. I could not help but sense that they were all chortling wryly behind their rusty pickups, and thinking "let's be weird for the tourists, then empty their wallets."

It was a good day of driving, and having a car--which we rented from Hertz at the Flagstaff Amtrak station--helped a lot. Today, our carriage pretty much turned back into a pumpkin by 4:00pm, so I brought Jeff home to the Inn, gave him a glass of wine, squished into the almost-big-enough-for-two chair with him, and played That Thing You Do, on dvd. Then I tucked him in bed. I hope he will still manage to sleep later than my 5:00am headache-avoidance wake-up call. Tomorrow, the Grand Canyon. The walking (down the vista trails) will be two things--a delight, and a surefire way to cash in our energy chips early.

nyet roomette.

We have a roomette. A roomette is one of many tiny convertible compartments running along both sides of a sleeping car, with an aisle down the middle.

It is on something of a whim that we are in one at all. This particular leg of our trip--Lamy, NM (the point of embark/disembarkation for Santa Fe) to Flagstaff--began at 2:24 this afternoon, and we will arrive in Flagstaff just prior to 9 pm. So, even at the very moment I was booking it, I wondered why I would pay even a little extra as opposed to just having seats in coach. We will not, after all, be converting our two facing seats into a bottom bunk, with the upper bunk lowering from above, like one of those baby changing stations in restrooms. This is mostly why people have roomettes. To more comfortably pass the night.

I think we have it because I was hoping we would nap, and I was thinking we might nap better in a compartment. But between a lengthy service stop in Albuquerque which we used to run to an ATM in the station, to the scenery of New Mexico's rocky crags, to dinner in the dining car at 5 pm, we have scarcely shut an eye. We will be, no doubt, in fine form when we do disembark in Flagstaff.

Having spent two nights in a "bedroom," Amtrak style, I can hardly imagine passing the night in this roomette. Well, I can imagine me doing it--I still like tents, after all--but I cannot imagine managing Jeff in one. I peeked in a few, during our other two nights aboard, that were in sleep mode. I'm not sure, actually, how one accesses the top bunk without opening the compartment door and protruding into the corridor while climbing. And, at that point, you're faced with the same lack of maneuver room or headroom I experienced in the bedroom top bunk. There is a bathroom at the end of the roomette car, much like what you find on an airplane, and several more down the stairs. Also downstairs are a couple of shower rooms, which--though communal--are of sufficient size that you don't have to sit on a potty to use them.

But--in our case--the more important disadvantages are that we'd be hard pressed to dress Jeff in such a space, I could not conveniently help him to the bathroom at 11, 1, and 3:00 at night, and we cannot see what's out the window on the other side of the train, because that's someone else's roomette, and they are evidently very private sorts who have the curtains drawn. In the bedroom, by leaving our curtains open, we had a good view out the windows in the corridor (as bedrooms line only one side of a sleeping car.)

So, while economizing with a roomette seems clever, our life has become the sort in which what we must do dictates what we can do. We can take an overnight train trip because we can book a bedroom. If we could not book a bedroom, we'd have to do something else.

It was, by the way, about 30º F in Santa Fe this morning when we set out, after breakfast, for a stroll across town. The purpose was to get liquid bandage for my cracky fingertips at CVS. The entertainment was crunching around on the frosted grass, and checking out the icicles dripping from a picnic table in the park.

we slow down...

We arrived in Santa Fe yesterday about 3:00 pm, and spent the rest of the afternoon/evening proving a fundamental rule about travel with Jeff: If you decide to march across town in search of rainwear, do not think you will have an ounce of energy left to spend getting to dinner.

In fact we should have skipped dinner and merely taken advantage of what nibblings we could wrangle up in the Inn on the Alameda, our 2-night Santa Fe home. It was a 15 minute walk from the Inn to El Farol (the oldest restaurant and cantina in Santa Fe) where we ordered wine and tapas, but Jeff's disorientation grew exponentially by each step, and I was carefully keeping him from walking into sign-posts (without 100% success) by the time we arrived at the restaurant. But we ate, and it was good. He will remember zero of it, as he was in the twilight zone.

Usually, when we walk, (especially in unfamiliar territory,) I try to stay on Jeff's left where there's a functioning ear and none of the hemi-neglect which occurs on his right. I either hold his hand or his arm. When the going gets tough, it's more like I'm clutching his elbow. I can gauge with a high degree of sensitivity how tired he is growing by how tightly I must clutch, and how difficult the walking becomes.

You know how it is when you end up with a grocery cart with one front wheel that only wants to roll east, and one rear wheel that insists on a counter-clockwise arc? That's what it's like to keep Jeff moving in the desired direction at anything approaching a walking pace. I end up as tired and in need of retreat as he does, with the difference that I still know where I am and why I'm there.

I like Santa Fe. Ok, I'm not completely overwhelmed by it like I thought I was supposed to be. Probably I need to see a lot more of the surroundings and natural beauty to grow a full appreciation. Certainly the architecture was novel compared with other places I've been. I like it. I just don't like it better than plenty of other places. Somewhat ironically, the only shopping we've done here is microlight stashable jackets from the local REI (we needed them for today's unfortunate weather,) and, from Whole Foods Market, fair-trade warm hats and a few apples. Well, not quite all...I bought earrings for the girls from a shop selling native made jewelry on Canyon Road, a linear enclave of artists' studios.

Despite today's being our only full day here, I've gotten a good feel for our limits, and we took the day on with little to no agenda. That worked. By 7:30 pm Jeff was well ready to hit the sack. Tomorrow: Back on the Southwest Chief, for a daytime-only ride to Flagstaff. But the morning agenda will be a jaunt to the closest drugstore to get some liquid bandage for the finger cracks this otherwise-welcome dry air is exacerbating!

Fog-man: He cometh and goeth.

Friday night on the train was a bit dreadful. I didn't experience it as completely dreadful though, since it was my first night of sleep deprivation in some time, and--in a way--I enjoyed the opportunities to see...Pittsburgh, Toledo, and some other random trackside burgs by night. Furthermore, breakfast and coffee brightened Jeff's mood and cognitive profile by enough that I ended up feeling optimistic.

Still, while I am very happy to be on the Southwest Chief myself tonight--Saturday--Jeff is looking and acting peaked, and I'm concerned that the experiment--2 nights by train--may have been pushing his limits. I hope that even though neither Santa Fe nor Flagstaff are home, we can do enough recuperating in a plush and sleepable bed that we'll reestablish something of his status quo.

Here's a difficult thing about the aspect of a human impaired by Alzheimer's: I see what looks like a down mood, a heavy head, a wan smile...and I want to call it depression, or a sad mood, or a heavy heart. And I want to consider the significance of those things as points relative to the norm--the norm being not-affected-by-Alzheimer's. But between those two points--the aspect I'm considering and a non-AD "norm"--there is a wide chasm. A tired, depleted person with Alzheimer's may not be so bad off as I imagine. I am possibly assigning the aspect more weight than I should. A nice sleep may be all that it takes, and the mood may not be one that I should be thinking of as extreme. (I realize, upon thought, that's it's our version of "sundowning," or the classic Alzheimer's condition of nighttime bringing a marked downshift in function and coherence.)

Well...let us see tomorrow. I think I'll be calling Rich the cabin steward to see if he can wrangle our compartment into sleeping configuration very shortly...

...In the glowing Colorado Sunday morning light, I can say that we slept much better last night. I gave the upper bunk a shot, thinking maybe elbow room would be helpful for both of us, but I quickly realized that from up there--with no room to sit up, no access to the cabin lightswitch, and a bit of contortionism involved in coming down--I was poorly positioned to help with the inevitable night-time bathroom requirements. So I shoved the upper bunk into stowed position as best as I could, and went with coziness below. It was the right choice. Fog-man, as we will call Jeff's nocturnal alter ego, had many concerns: Whose house is this? Why don't I have pants? Where are my pants? Maybe we should go home and get pants. Comfortable, snug, and with a fine view of the Kansas City rail station (where the passenger bridge strongly resembles a cattle chute,) I handled these questions with humor and aplomb, keeping Fog-man reasonably calm and settled, such that he could transform, by morning, back into a version of Jeff who appreciates coffee, breakfast, scenery, and a bit of adventure.

Sound fx

Overheard last night by any haunts hanging around our compartment, and possibly by the neighboring berths:

Squeeeeeonnnnnk Squeeeeeonnnnnk(The sound of miniature Amtrak sinks when you try to modulate the initial water burst.)

click rattle rattle rattle click rattle rattle rattle(cabinet doors that don't quite shut.)

Jeff: "Why are we here?" Me: "We're on a train trip to Chicago. Then we'll take the Southwest Chief to Santa Fe." Jeff: "What's moving?" Me: "The train we're on. It's supposed to move."

Fwoooooooooooonk! Fwoooooooooooonk! There's probably a reason they toot the choo choo's horn every whipstitch. I'm sure there's a reason.

Me: "Can you please lie down?" Jeff: "What are we doing?" Me: "We're on a train to Chicago. Can you put your head here? No, here. On the pillow."

chumma chumma chumma chumma... (some stretches of track are noisier than others.)

SSSSHHHHHOOOOOOOOMMPH! (This means we just passed another train.)

Me: "Hi, yeah...this is the fifth time you've woken me up...woohoo. But hey...look, it's Toledo, Ohio." Jeff: "Whose kitchen is that?" Me: "That's not a kitchen, it's the train station office" Jeff: "But whose house is that?" Me: "It's not a house, it's an Amtrak station in Toledo." Jeff: "Why are we moving?" Me: "We're on a train."

At 5 a.m. I gave up and got us ready for 6:00 breakfast.

On the Capitol Limited

This is something that cross-country trains have in common with Disney World: Everyone smiles and seems genuinely happy to help you. Not just the staff, but your fellow travelers as well.

It is now 6:35 pm, and we are trundling across some farmlands just west of Martinsburg, West Virginia. I'm not sure at what time Lou (our cabin attendant) will show up to transform our bench seat into a bed, but earlier--for us--would probably trump later. Neither of us is given to nightlife (not that there is any, that I know of, other than watching The Right Stuff for 3 hours with Carl 3 doors down.) But we won't take Carl up on his kind offer as much as I know he'd like our ears for another spell. One of us can only take so much of Carl with a C, and the other tends to turn in early.

Here's what I'm going to try to do once Lou does transform our berth into its nighttime morphology: Take a shower. What that means is I will sit on the potty and aim the handheld sprayer at my head for 30 second intervals of water. I will check back after giving that a whirl, and let you know how it goes.

Meanwhile, I can hardly complain about dinner. Yes, it is true that the salmon "special" was comparable to one of the nicer dishes at Denny's...but it was nonetheless agreeable enough, and the key lime and chocolate peanut butter desserts were completely worth the calories. And here's the thing: At dinner we were seated with (you guessed it) Carl with a C, who was much more tolerable in that setting as opposed to standing in the doorway of our compartment regaling(?) us with a one-way dissertation on Frank Sinatra trivia. You see, I actually had enough to say about Broadway musicals that he occasionally stopped to insert food into his mouth...

...It is now about 9 pm. I discovered that when our small collapsible table is in closed position, the underside reveals instructions for making our seat into a bed. So I did it. So far I am resisting deploying the upper bunk, and just sharing the lower. But first I had to figure out how to manage Jeff's elbows which he especially likes to tuck behind his head. So now I've got his head at the door end of the bunk, next to my feet. Ever since we put the bed down he's been commenting that he thinks he's in someone's rec room, and couldn't we find better accommodations? Hard to think this is the same guy who drove up the Al-Can highway in a VW on a whim. "Like what?" I said, to the question of better accommodations. "Like a hotel," he replied. "The problem with hotels," I said, "is that they don't move." Well...this will all feed into the end-of-trip evaluation process, as this whole thing is a bit experimental.

And oh yes...the shower...Here's how it worked: I stashed my shampoo on one back corner of the john, and my conditioner on the other. You push a button which allows you 30 seconds of spray. However, it takes a good 10 pushes before the water is warm enough that you'd care to aim it at yourself. Still, I got the job done. What I think I will not do is try to get Jeff showered until we're comfortably ensconced in our inn in Santa Fe.

Off and fumbling...

I am quickly squeezing in a moment of Wifi time. In just over 2 hours we'll board the Capitol Limited, which will take us--in our very own compartment--to Chicago. Neither the Capitol Limited nor the Southwest Chief--our homes for the next 2 nights--have Wifi, apparently, but here in the Acela First Class lounge at D.C. Union Station we're up and running.

We're also dozing a bit, which is appropriate given the hubbub of the bustling terminal we just closed the Acela Lounge door on. Most inconveniently, as full as Union Station is of dining choices and upscale shops, the restrooms in the terminal are in the midst of a 6 week remodeling, and all needy bladders are being shunted to the food court restrooms. The result of this is a short wait at the men's room, but--to no one's surprise--a line of 20 women before you even breach the doorway to the women's facilities. Hence, I stood watch by the men's room door as Jeff did his business, but held my own until after lunch when we went back to the Acela Lounge.

In flagrant disregard of a sign posted just next to where I'm sitting, we're munching chocolate cookies from Au Bon Pain, rather than merely availing ourselves of the Lounge-sanctioned snacks of chips and goldfish crackers. I am, however, properly consuming Amtrak/Green Mountain coffee from the lounge dispenso-matic.

Jeff has been in good form. I've been talking up our trip a good bit for the past week, and he's reasonably well oriented to the program. It helps, of course, that we're now in the tranquil Acela lounge, and out of the Barnes&Noble/Food Court/stairways/mobs/escalators of the Station-at-Large where I must remain appended to him at the elbow, turning him right and left like an upright vacuum. That can get on anyone's nerves. Both the turner and the turnee.

Stepping off the MARC commuter train, which took us from the BWI Airport train terminal to Union Station, Jeff failed to notice the gap and stepped down a foot and a half into the pit. Luckily that's all the deep it was, and a porter was positioned to help him as the gap was dicier than normal. Otherwise, so far so good. I am merely berating myself ever so slightly that I didn't think to brighten up his suitcase handles with yellow or orange tape so he'd know where to grab.

Blogging by iPhone is determined to be none other than a pain in the pinfeathers.

the danger of cookies

I cannot argue with evening cookies at a B&B.

That was the opening thought. The followup thought, which entered contention 24 hours later, is that neither can I argue with an evening cookie plus a glass of Gato Negro burgundy/merlot at the same B&B. These things counterbalanced the slip-ups and near misses as we almost lost Jeff several times over the course of a weekend.

Actually, I think we only almost lost him twice: Once, when Gabe--unaware of the weight that the instruction "watch your dad" now carries--failed to do so in the grocery store, and Jeff skedaddled down the row of cashier lanes after who-knows-who. I exited, to have a look outside and alert my mother to our code orange, while Gabe stood by in the store and soon apprehended his father, who was no worse for wear. The second time was when Jeff balked at the top of the escalator in New Haven Union Station as Mom, I, and about 100 other people took off for track 1 the second they gave us our track assignment. Which was about 2½ minutes before scheduled departure. I was half-way down yelling "Jeff! Get on!" as an anxious crowd formed a clog behind him. With my roll-aboard occupying one hand, and my satchel of paperwork the other, he had to follow me without physical contact.

Mom is no doubt wondering (as she sits just behind me in Amtrak Coach, New Haven to BWI,) exactly how I plan to hang onto Jeff next week, as we depart on our cross-country train trip just as the two of us. The only answer I can supply myself is that--without the presence of a third party to help--my diligence dial will be set at maximum. Additionally, I intend to inscribe or embroider my cell phone number, in large numerals, on his black "sport-band" medical alert i.d.

As for the trip--we come away with the positive sense that Gabe is striding in the direction of independence and adulthood, and it was a fine thing for his grandmother to get a glimpse of his current school and world. I also continue to be impressed that maritime Connecticut is a region I could happily pass a good deal more time in. Mark Twain's house was not enough. I'd very much like to see the Mashantucket Pequot Museum of Native American History (bypassing the Foxwoods casino, operated by the same tribe,) and hit a few choice stops on the Connecticut Wine Trail.

Texts from the home-front indicate that Hazel will not eat her medicated food when I have so rudely interrupted her expectations by vamoosing, but I hope she'll get over it. I am not anxious to institute the wrapped-cat and pill-plunger method of cyclosporin delivery. Hence, I am feeling a tad guilty, especially in light of the fact that we'll be hitting the road again in 5 days. But really...here's the choice: Spend an extra week mollifying a fussy kitty, or experience (for the very first time) a sleeper car. No choice at all. Sorry Hazel.

applecarts are made for upsetting.

Lately I've been inclined to notice that my pet-load is, for me, at a plateau of relative manageability. I've had more and I've had fewer, but Chessie, Freddi, and Hazel--while none the most easy-going of critters--have established preferences and ways of dealing with each other such that, pet-wise, we were as close to equilibrium as we ever get.

It is true that both Freddi and Hazel require expensive pills--Freddi for her funky dysplastic hips, and Hazel for her funky overexcitable immune system--but we've got everything tamped down to a sub-acute level, routines in place...well, they were.

There's a recognizable pattern that's followed me through life: As soon as I start telling myself "this, I can handle..." then it's time to look for the next ball to thwang, fast and furious, into left field. This time, the ball's name is Otis, and he comes to us thanks to BARCS (Baltimore Animal Care and Rescue Shelter,) and the fostering tendencies of Olivia's boyfriend's kin.

Otis just got neutered on Tuesday, and he's roughly the size of a large squirrel. He moved in last night, and Becca kept him company on the computer room couch where--if I have the story straight--she got minimal sleep, but experienced a good bit of pouncing kitten. As of today, his "room" is Freddi's dog crate (the one she uses for thunderstorms,) in the middle of the kitchen, where he can see (and therefore acclimate to) the noises and personalities with which he can expect to be surrounded.

This is a well-socialized kitty. No feral tendencies whatsoever, as he was born into foster care. You pick him up, and he shuts his eyes and yawns languorously, stretching a bit, anticipating a belly rub. But, with the other animals, he's got some stuff to work out. Only it's not his stuff, it's their stuff.

Freddi hasn't a maternal bone in her body, that I can detect. Possibly, it was located in the top ball of her femur--the one they took off due to dysplasia when she was 1 year old. But it's gone now, and--in her opinion--kitties should be toys. Hence, their interactions mostly involve Freddi bouncing at Otis, who sequesters himself under a hutch, or chair, until the dog is distracted by anything else. We must take care--Freddi's bouncing 45 lbs could be a safety hazard to a kitty who has not yet learned the value of a well-placed bop on the nose, claws optional.

Chessie and Hazel, both divas who merely tolerate, and occasionally taunt, each other, don't seem to be of the opinion that another cat was needed here. Hazel makes sure we're clear on her feelings...yes, I may rub her back...yes, I may turn on the sink a trickle for her drinking pleasure...but she's going to emit a low growly howl the whole time, just so I know I am NOT in her good graces. (Hazel would especially not appreciate Otis' countertop explorations today, when--upon discovering the kitchen sink--he promptly peed in it. I'm discouraging further countertop adventures for now.)

I am in good shape through the upcoming weekend. On Monday, Olivia will return to college, and it will be up to me and Becca (but mostly me, due to work and boyfriend obligations,) to keep everyone happy.

I like it pretty.

Who gets a headache from vegetarian sushi? Well, me. Yesterday was the second time I noticed what appears to be a cause and effect relationship between the Fresh Market veggie rolls of which I’m fond, and a follow-up headache. I’m going to blame it on the MSG. There should not be MSG in sushi--absolutely no excuse for it--but there it was, plain as splotchy grocery store label font, slapped on the tray. MSG. And not only that, but aspartame. eh...what?

Now that I think this through, I do recall that the Fresh Market veggie rolls had a little more zizz...a little more bite than the comparable ones I’ve gotten at Whole Foods Market. Not that you’d expect too much zizz from rice, a few strips of carrot, and a plug of avocado. That’s what the small plop of wasabi they give you is for, if you so desire. And now that I know the truth, and its effects, I’m ready to rededicate myself to the crunchy ideals of Whole Foods ingredient taboos, and hone my appreciation for carrot as carrot.

In Annapolis, there are three main competitors in the not-your-mainstream-grocery-store game. The two aforementioned plus Trader Joe’s. This trio meets my grocery needs. I only venture into the closer-to-home Giant and Safeway when I have an urgent need. I admit to being a food and shopping elitist, but plead that my reasons are legit, and grounded securely in honest self-knowledge.

Safeway (west a couple miles, in the vicinity of my mom’s and sister’s homes,) is almost tolerable. They just don’t have everything I like. Giant (closest to me) is a total sensory trial. The lighting is harsh, disorienting, and leaves my brain swimming in a sort of paranoid surreality. The aisles are tall, canyonesquely narrow, and chock-a-block with items, only 0.75% of which I’d ever consider purchasing. This makes finding what I want a bit like playing Where’s Waldo?(.) There are a few other popular American franchises that have a similar effect on me. I walk in and react as if someone just blew an airhorn, turned on a disco ball, and launched a line of dancing Glenn Becks in my face. In other words, I want to leave.

I don’t exactly know how to account for my reaction. I cannot believe that a major player such as Giant Food has not done exhaustive merchandising research. Apparently I am just a psychological outlier.

The Fresh Market, on the other hand, taking over the space held by Whole Foods until they moved to bigger digs, is pretty. It’s restful. It’s calm. They play nice music. They give you free tiny coffees. They do not, however, have the purity of ingredient shtick thing that defines Whole Foods Market. If I had to summarize Fresh Market’s niche in one line, it would be “we’re prettier than those guys.” You can get napkins or paper plates, but they’re going to be pretty. There are a few cosmetics, but only pretty ones. And if it’s food that comes in a jar, it’s going to be a pretty jar. Of that you can be sure. That of which you cannot be sure is whether a given item will contain chemical additives that you’d typically prefer to avoid. Some things do, some things don’t. It takes label reading. (And now, in my case, 1.50+ pocket-sized magnifying glasses which--I think--I got at Whole Foods.)

I’m sure that I will continue to covet and purchase chocolate cupcakes with white frosting from Fresh Market. Also, indubitably, Thomas’ cinnamon-raisin bagels, unsalted mixed nuts, and a batch of other items which can be happily obtained from any member of my grocery trio.

But when it comes to veggie sushi...well, we’ll let Whole Foods speak for itself, from its own website:

“We carry natural and organic products because we believe that food in its purest state — unadulterated by artificial additives, sweeteners, colorings, and preservatives — is the best tasting and most nutritious food available.”

And least likely, in the case of sushi, to give me a headache.

So yep. That’s me: crunch-elitist. (except where cupcakes are concerned.) I will be sure not to run for President, because the populists would probably use this against me.

Alpha house, alpha kitty

Today, at Clement Hardware, I charged the following items to the Jeff Clement account: 2 bungie cords (for helping Rachel move tomorrow a.m...might need'em to hold down the hatch, if mattresses are too big, and the rest of this stuff has nothing to do with Rachel's move...) 1 can Great Stuff spray-foam (for sealing the gaps between the drywall and tile in the bathroom ceiling,) 1 tube marine-grade silicone caulk (for rain-proofing the back threshold,) 1 roll foam caulk (which I'll stuff in the crack before applying the silicone,) 1 roll of tubular vinyl gasket (for attempting a waterproof seal on the lower back door, thus banning rain influx forever,) and 1 bag of spice drops (because we never get out of that place without spice drops. I don't eat them. Don't look at me.)

Accompanying this initiative is a decidedly pleasant peaceful feeling, leading me to believe I may, finally, be reaching some sort of emotional accord with this house.

I'll be honest--I've entertained the notion for years that I'd run away...nay, that I MUST run away...to Eastport (popularly known, locally, as The Maritime Republic of Eastport.) It's just across the drawbridge from Historic Annapolis, and has held the role--in my daydream--of the place which would shake me out of the Alzheimer-caregiver 'am I eighty years old, or what?' doldrums.

But now let's be really honest--I would still require a house. It would still require maintenance. I would still be in charge of the maintenance. I would still be an Alzheimer caregiver. Life would not suddenly start to happen in new and surprising ways, and I seriously doubt if Clarence (my cross-eyed muse,) would improve in work ethic by any measure just because of a change of residence.

Those things are pretty much true. But I attribute my improvement in attitude to factors other than logic and reason. All the road-tripping I've done this Fall has, and will be, a big help. And I do believe that fixing the downstairs shower drip was--in a weirdly out of proportion way--a breakthrough moment. (Thanks to brother-in-law Fred, who was big help with that project.) Somehow, I've acquired the feeling that, by tackling maintenance bug-a-boos one on one (and even very slowly,) I am establishing an alpha position with this house that I never required prior to Jeff losing his powers. So, in a way, this house is a little like a big dog over which I had no control, so I wanted to give it away and get a puppy instead.

If it is well-maintained and orderly, it no longer feels like a box in which I am trapped. If I know I CAN sell it if I want to, I no longer feel a panicky compulsion to do so.

Thus, the latest bag of Clement Hardware goodies. Next up: weather-seal the back door. Staggered, in the interest of covering all the bases, with reading Bill Bryson to Jeff, eking out a line or two of my book, getting the heck out of here once in a while, and not-cooking.

Who knows? Cooking may be the next dog I stare down. But I doubt it.

(And have I mentioned that a new kitten is moving in here next week? Because apparently our 3 existing pets aren't needy enough? Stay tuned...)

Coffee won't help.

I'm trying to remember how I did it. Quite a few years ago, during the earlier seasons of Survivor, (you know, reality TV--put people on a jungly-beach and watch them act stupid,) I wrote a humorous online column, re-hashing--through my own fractured filter--each episode.

I'm not really sure how I wrangled my brain into cooperating. See, I'd watch the show from 8 to 9 p.m., then--within roughly an hour and a half--I'd spin out a sufficiently clever synopsis that at least a few people around the globe (I got emails) would come back for more on a weekly basis.

I'm not a night person, is the thing. So that wasn't easy. And, right now (9:50 p.m. Toshiba time,) I'm testing to see whether I can still formulate sentences after dark. The reason I want to know is that there are generally 2-3 hours per night that I spend awake, alone, and wondering wtf. Jeff goes to bed at 7 or 8, depending on whether I have something on tv with which to engage him. Then, I spend the next couple hours either websurfing, tv-surfing, or just sort of otherwise lost in space.

I tell myself I'm too tired to do anything much. And I think it's true. Making intelligent decisions about which objects from the hall closet go in the throwaway or the giveaway bags is not something I'm willing to do with half a brain. Nor would I care to attempt my "real" writing project, half checked out. But I'm not ready for bed, and--with the right topic--I might just be able to reactivate my columnist neural network.

By the way...THIS is not the right topic. This is just practice. And I hear a problem. Footsteps. This means that Jeff woke up enough to go to the bathroom, and--when he is done--he will get back into bed diagonally or maybe even upside-down, such that I will have to shove a bit (creating further disorientation) when I try to fit. Furthermore, he will have his hands under his head with his left elbow sticking halfway across my pillow. I might be able to re-shape him, like Gumby, but I might just cause havoc. So, make sure--if you're a couple, and one of you is planning to become cognitively impaired--to buy your queen bed now, and not still have a regular old full-size (like I do) when the time comes to sleep in it all crooked.

So, how about that? Writing after partial brain shutdown. It would be appropriate if there were a glowing light, slowly pulsating off and on on my forehead, to indicate that the hard drive is not quite up and responsive. I guess Survivor lends itself to commentary by the alertness impaired. I'll have to make note of future topics that could be similarly impervious to nonsensical rambling.

Clairvoyant or not, I still need new sunglasses.

We are home, for three weeks. Although we munched Connecticut-grown Macoun apples while zipping south on the New Jersey turnpike, we haven't needed much else in the way of food today. It was that breakfast near Manasquan, coastal NJ, in a local dive called Mariners' Cove. They offered 200+ omelettes, described on a tabloid-sized menu, and while the spoons per se were not greasy, the food decidedly was. Still, it was clearly popular with the locals, and a steady crew moved in and out while we ate. Nevermind that they were all men, every one of whom looked like he must have bellowed "STELLAAAA!" out his side door before giving up and hitting The Cove. Stella, apparently, was not forthcoming with the breakfast this morning.

So, yes...in three weeks it's back up by Amtrak, for Family Weekend, with my mom in tow. It's a busy Fall. Yesterday, tooling from Connecticut to Jersey, I experienced one of those moments of clairvoyance that I don't quite believe in. Despite the fact that they seem to always end up true. I don't believe in clairvoyance, (or, leastwise, I am stubbornly determined not to,) but my record--skepticism or not--is hard to argue with. If everything turns out fine (at least according to current norms,) and the status is quo after this Fall, then I'll laugh at clairvoyance and tell it I knew it was full of beans. But here's what it says: It's that the busyness of this Fall is my instinctive (almost primordial) reaction to realizing that Jeff's and my time to do this stuff together is drawing to a rapid close. He is going functionally blind, and I sense the pitch of the decline to be growing more acute.

Functionally blind a la Benson's syndrome, of course, bears only surface resemblance to eyes that don't work. A blind person can compensate by means of sharp senses and a clever mind. A victim of Posterior Cortical Atrophy cannot. His cognition is petering out across the board, and when he cannot identify a butter knife as a butter knife there is little he can do to work around that.

I knew about the incident in which he could not, momentarily, identify his brother. I've since learned it happened two weeks earlier as well, with his sister. When he cannot peg me on sight, I don't think all will be lost. He's okay with being told, and accepts what you tell him with comfort and trust. But not knowing family, running into doors, almost eating butter wrappers, and falling over curbs are merely opening volleys in a condition that's poised to worsen exponentially, and--as it does--all bets are off vis-a-vis just what we can expect to do, outside of the safest and most carefully arranged of environments.

How I will manage, and what services I may seek to employ--not yet known. Clairvoyance doesn't like to fill in the details that way. (And trust me...I still don't trust it.)

Hello?

I don't know if Manasquan, New Jersey is the weirdest place on the east coast, but it's sure been the weird spot on our latest adventure.

We're staying at a place called The Inn on Main. It sounds quaint enough, doesn't it? But here's how it works: You pull into a marked parking spot behind a pleasantly shingled, but otherwise nondescript, building. There are two restaurants on the ground floor. Or are there? One's signage suggests a sushi joint, the other, an America Bistro. Both are abandoned and desolate--their tables forlorn and empty, save for askew tablecloths. Around the corner, in a bare tiled hallway, you push the elevator button. Your room is #202, and you have been instructed by email that there is no check-in. Instead, you will enter a particular code (which is related to your cell phone number) in the keypad on the doorknob, and go right in. In the elevator is a small sign, giving you the phone number for hotel staff, but you're clearly not expected to require them. We don't. On each of the doorways in the hotel corridor is a plaque reading: "The Warmest of Welcomes!" That's good. At least the plaque has good intentions, but the word "warmest" seems ironic given the utter lack of humans. The keypad grants us access into a clean and handsome (in a starkly generic way) room. I half expect that when I turn on the t.v. either Rod Serling, or maybe Will Ferrell, will fill us in on our next instructions. So we don't turn the t.v. on. Instead, we go out and drive around.

We view many grand houses but few dining establishments. We walk on the boardwalk, but not on the beach (which is chilly and windy...besides, we don't have the regulation beach badges.) We find an old-fashioned Italian place, and eat tasty heavy chow. Then we come back.

We have decided to make decaf in the room. I have used tiny 4 cup dripolaters, and I have used Keurig pods. This machine is something in between. You insert a mini disposable filter basket, pour one insulated cup full of water in the back of the machine, push the button, and let it dripolate right back into your cup. Hot. Not bad. Weird.

Tomorrow morning we will leave, having interacted with nary a human. There's no phone in here. I almost feel like a squatter. They don't serve breakfast, like our other two stops. Instead, we'll depart, looking for either Mariner's Cove or Ray's Café to please be open and functional.

Here's the thing: The reviewers on TripAdvisor.com overwhelmingly liked this place. I can usually trust those guys. Not that there's anything wrong with this it...it's just that this is a little too much anonymity even for me.