For a while there I really had myself going. I was actually thinking that Jeff could be happier living in the nicest of places, equipped for his needs, where he could socialize with others like him. I, meanwhile, would devote major portions of my days to hanging out with him so that he would continue to feel the continuity of my presence, but I would go home and have nights, plus portions of each day, to call “normal.”
There is such a haven near Annapolis, that might actually offer what I’d require for Jeff. I’m on the verge of visiting, but now just for informational purposes. I didn’t even freak about the annual cost at first...not sure why. But sitting down today with the square-in-the-face reality that the cost (which we’ll call x + .15x) exceeds my household budget (aka x) by 15% has really put the notion on a ledge called extraordinary and improbable. Not to mention irresponsible. I’m not complaining really. I have what I need. I just don’t have what Mitt Romney needs.
In some ways it’s better to wrassle these alligators, realize you’re bound to lose, and take it from there. Toying with the thought, as if it were realistic, threw me into a state of such non-equanimity that I could neither sleep nor not-sleep without psychosomatic pain and a sense of impending crisis. Shaking hands with it and recognizing it as not-an-option gives me the liberty to face what I’ve got to deal with and make the best of it...which is something I was doing pretty well up until opening the door a crack for that other thought.
Anyway, I think I will still visit. Maybe seeing it in person will reassure me that it wasn’t a good thought from the get-go. Now I’m back to needing Uncle Charley. Suitable applicants may inquire.
2 comments:
I'm Andy at Joans....take a deep breath and stop reasoning. When it is time you will know, follow your heart.
Yes, and as I discussed on the forum, it didn't turn out to be a place that suited my need to remain completely active in Jeff's life if/when that time comes.
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