It is interesting now to carry on and greet the world with the sense of release that is the strongest piece of what I’m feeling since he stopped breathing at 10:25 am, on October 12, as I sat beside his bed. The community knows that Jeff Clement has died, and they received this news, fittingly, with surprise and sadness...without being able to trace immediately just how long it had been since they’d seen him functioning on all cylinders, or seen him at all for that matter.
People who’ve dealt intimately with dementia know, better than others, why I have, as a widow, a more cheerful than average response to their expressed condolences. It’s been roughly 10 years from the early troubling personality changes to now, and I have felt--over that course--the full brunt of every feeling you might imagine gets squeezed out of the Alzheimer’s spousing experience. But I am stoic, and have a preference for emotionally strategizing my way out of negative feelings wherever I can...so the tolls paid do not always show.
There is no question that for those he loved, Jeff would want us to uncover every speck of happy, inquisitiveness, exploration, and worth we can in the years each of us has left. Go team.
2 comments:
I think that escape is a good term and that your responses seem healthy to me.
When my mother died, and I'm certain that becoming a widow is much different than my becoming an "orphan", I felt 2 parts grief to 5 parts relief.
However, I then went through a bit of a guilt phase, which I ultimately concluded was a false guilt. I had been a good and faithful son, and it was not wrong to have feelings of relief since the actual grief had been going on for years and in most ways I had long lost my mother awhile ago.
Don't move too fast in this stage of your life. Surprisingly, you will have to learn who you are, which may prove to be slightly different than who you think you are today.
I certainly wish you and your family the best as you move forward. Despite some of the self-depreciation that occasionally finds its way into your blog, I sense that you are a well grounded woman with a good support system and lots of common sense.
Please keep writing. I will keep reading and commenting whenever I have something useful to say.
I appreciate your comments, as always, Prof. What you say about the guilt--inappropriate guilt perhaps--does ring true.
But is there any question in my mind that I loved him thoroughly and did everything I could do be a good partner and ease his journey? No, not really.
As for possibly not being exactly who I thought I'd be...we'll, I've already noticed that a little, and it's ok.
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