You do What?

So...what do you do?
The correct answer could be something like: “I run a muffler franchise,” or “I’m the scary desk person at a behemoth law firm,” or--my personal favorite, for its vagueness if for no other reason--”I’m a consultant.” (You have to say that with a confidant nod.)
I’m toying with a variety of other ways to fill the loaded silence that follows the well-meaning stranger’s query. It could be entertaining to lie.
“That depends on my next placement in the witness protection program--I can’t tell you yet.”
“I’m an assassin. Let me give you my card and some references.”
“I paint the boomerangs on laminate countertops. Business has been slow lately.”
Call me a goody two-shoes if that’s your inclination, or just leave my shoes out of it and scoff...but I’m a bad lier.
What I usually say is: “aaahhm...I kind of...do some...what did you say you do?” (This works best if you can suddenly drop your napkin on the floor, laugh lightly at your silliness, and duck under the table.)
The problem arises when there are no napkins. A truthful answer is the only way out.
“I’m a jill-of-all-trades, but strictly on a volunteer basis.”
“I put the home fires out.”
“I’m working my way out of a stressful but ultimately rewarding career in the multi-faceted field of child maintenance.”
“I’m a writer in the sense that I intrinsically believe myself to be a writer, much in the same way that someone with an painting habit might intrinsically believe herself to be an artist, due to the fact that she, does, in fact, creates works of art. Oh, whoopsie, did you drop your napkin?”
Perhaps the floor would stay cleaner if I just called myself a consultant.